Every team in the NFL has it's share of good guys and bad guys. This isn't about that. This isn't about good or bad, right or wrong. This is about the dudes who are just clearly huge d-bags. Simple as that. Let's begin.

5. Jah Reid

First of all, what is going on with the hair. This motherfucker looks like he took a bunch of no-tie shoelaces and rolled them around in a pile of horseshit before slapping them on top of his neanderthal head. But you just know he spends like 45 minutes every morning primping or some shit. He'd fit right in as a sleazy drunk in the Florida Keys.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, dude drunkenly headbutted a guy at a Key West strip club. If someone described this scenario to me without giving me any identifying information whatsoever, I would picture someone who looked exactly like Jah Reid. I bet he was wearing a salmon-colored wife beater with rips around the edges.


4. Bernard Pierce

The undisputed king of the pube-beard, Bernard Pierce. He even promotes that shit. This guy has a fucking website where you can purchase shirts that say "Fear the Beard." It's like a whole goddamned campaign. The fucked up part is I actually do fear that beard. I fear every organism that is undoubtedly growing in that motherfucker.


Look at his "birthday celebration weekend" ad. Case closed.

3. Jacoby Jones


Jacoby Jones has a larger celebration-to-impact ratio than any player in the NFL ever. He could drop three consecutive passes, then make an easy catch for a 12-yard gain and he'd probably hop up and give everyone some 10-second flamboyant recreation of the salsa. After the Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2013, he went on Dancing With the Stars, missing a week of the team's offseason program in the process. Not that big of a deal right? Except then he talked about how it kept him in such great shape. Then he showed up to training camp in horrible shape and failed his fucking conditioning test. Sweet Pea should get a medal for smashing that champagne bottle over his head.

Footnote and true story: I once met a sloppy-drunk girl outside the Ravens stadium who had just come from meeting and promptly setting up fuck-plans with Jacoby Jones after a charity softball game. I don't hold this against him, I assume every NFL player fucks randos after charity events. Just thought it necessary to include.

2. Torrey Smith


Yes, Torrey Smith. BUT HE'S SO KIND AND WHOLESOME AND SOBER AND DOG-LOVING. No. No one is as good a person as Torrey Smith appears to be. No one. It's just a matter of time before someone finds out he's been running a Guatemalan sex-trafficking ring or some shit.

He has often tweeted with the hashtag #teamsober. Now tell me the phrase "I'm high on life" doesn't regularly come out of his mouth.

As a matter of fact, just look at his twitter feed on any given day and you'll see a litany of condescending bullshit spewed from this fucker from atop his high horse. (Not literally of course because Torrey Smith would hurl passive-aggresive insults at said horse until it righteously bucked him the fuck off.)


Torrey Smith is like the sober version of Jacoby Jones. There's not as much dancing but all he can do is run nine-routes and hope for a pass interference call on the DB.

Oh, and his contract year has just been murdered by Steve Smith. Torrey Smith is going to be playing for the Rams on a veteran-minimum deal within three years.

1. Justin Tucker


Where the fuck do I start. Justin Tucker is probably the biggest douche in the entire NFL. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kicker. He's a fucking machine. But if I ever had to spend more than ten minutes in a room with him I would be begging for Jah Reid to headbutt me out of my misery. Just look at the above picture from the Ravens 2014 team photo day. Just take it in. Look at Keith Wenning. He is literally biting his tongue. This is a practice squad quarterback. He is dying to get away from Justin Tucker. His eyes are screaming JUST TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE.

Justin Tucker rapped in a Dr. Pepper commercial. It was awful.

He sings opera. He speaks a bunch of different languages. He makes sure everyone knows this. I bet he sings opera while grocery shopping so people will be like OH MY GOD YOU'RE JUSTIN TUCKER, YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT KICKER BUT ALSO SO CULTURED AND MULTI-FACETED.


I bet he refers to himself as a renaissance man. No, wait he DOES refer to himself as a renaissance man.

In May, Justin Tucker delivered the commencement speech at the University of Texas College of Fine Arts. Justin Tucker is 24 years old. If I were a student in that class and they trotted out this 24-year-old kicker to give my commencement speech I'd throw a shoe at him and ask to transfer to UTEP.

He talks about how he changes the televisions at the team facility to Bravo and E! so he can get his entertainment news.


After he did the ice bucket challenge he nominated Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

He was on the cover of Baltimore Style magazine with the tagline:

"He's smart. He's suave. He sings opera."

Jesus Fuck.

I'm just going to leave you with a few Tucker images to reinforce this shit: